PPD vs PTSD? (for Moms with Special Needs Kids)
As a mom that had a fairly normal first pregnancy, and then had a really stressful second pregnancy, I feel like I have experienced both sides of the birthing coin. My first child was born at full term and had no issues. We had quite a few rough nights in the beginning and there were definitely times of feeling overwhelmed and depressed as a first time mom. Most people equate this with hormonal changes and lack of sleep, plus your body healing from child birth. It is commonly referred to as “Baby Blues” and typically lasts 1-2 weeks.
How do you know if you have Post Partum Depression?
Usually at your 6 week check up after having a baby, your Ob-GYN will go over a post partum checklist. This covers questions about feeling sad or anxious, sleeping too much or not enough, eating too much or not enough, irritation and anger for no reason, feelings of guilt/hopelessness/worthlessness, and feeling a disconnect with your baby. There are quite a few other symptoms that you may experience that are not listed here, but in general most mom’s mention that they just feel off or just not the same person they were before giving birth. They also mention just the sheer terror and being afraid of everything.
Post partum normally occurs within the first 3 months after giving birth, but it can actually develop anytime within the first year of delivery. Recent studies suggest that 11% of all women have some form of post partum depression. Personally I think that number is actually higher. If you don’t have access to proper healthcare after your 6 week check up, you may experience these symptoms but not go to a Doctor to get it evaluated.
Can you get Post Traumatic Stress Disorder after giving birth?
Yes! The symptoms of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder can be very similar to Post Partum Depression, so a lot of times it is lumped together. One main difference between PPD and PTSD is that PTSD typically comes with nightmares, reliving moments over and over, very distinct and severe reactions to triggers, and changes in emotional reactions.
When we first came to the NICU to be with our baby girl, we had a few people come to talk to us about how to adjust to life in the NICU. Especially since we knew that we were going to be there a while. I also went to my 6 week check up and answered the PPD questions, and my midwife assured me that the questionnaire wasn’t really helpful for mom’s with special needs kids or that were dealing with the NICU. They noted that my blood pressure was elevated and I may want to get that checked often, but other than that. No one ever mentioned Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.
PTSD in Moms of Special Needs Kids- My Story
We spent 133 days in the NICU with countless surgeries, procedures, tubes, setbacks, and happy milestones. It was the worst rollercoaster ride I had ever been on. Just thinking about it now after 2 years, it still makes me feel nervous and anxious.
I put one foot in front of the other and I showed up everyday to the NICU even when I didn’t feel like it. After speaking to the NICU pastor, I was determined to go to bed every night, and celebrate the good things that happened that day. Some days were easier, because my baby had a great day, but other’s were beyond devastating, and my only good thing was the the elastic in my underwear didn’t break that day.
For the first 4 months of my baby’s life, I was living out of a suitcase 2 hours from home. I was away from my husband and my older son. I was pumping breastmilk all day every day, and forcing myself to eat and drink even when I wasn’t hungry. I was falling asleep in chairs and crying at random times. I felt so alone and down and angry at the world. Even though I knew ahead of time that my daughter had a birth defect, I still felt cheated. Like she should have been perfect, that all the tests were lies, and I was stuck in a nightmare that I just needed to wake up from.
In those first few weeks, I realized that I desperately needed a connection to a normal existence if I was going to survive this. I started talking like crazy to every nurse that was caring for my daughter. I asked personal questions about their families, their lives, and what they do outside the hospital for fun. The more I got to know the ones that were caring for my child, the more I was at ease. I was no longer leaving my child every night with a stranger. I knew these nurses. I also made sure I was there for every medical rounds and discussions. Even though they were scary and I had no idea what they were talking about, I showed up. I forced myself to ask questions that I was scared to ask. I was afraid of sounding stupid and I realized how much I didn’t know about the human body. At times when I was just too embarrassed to ask my questions, I would wait till the doctors were gone and then ask our nurse to explain further.
After the first month, I truly started to feel like part of the team that was helping my daughter, and I was feeling less scared. I was much more willing to ask to help in the daily hands on care of my child, and I was feeling more relaxed about basically living in a hospital. This is about the time that my husband and I agreed to do split shifts. I was at the hospital Sunday night through Friday morning. Every Friday afternoon, I would drive 2 hours back home, and my husband would drive to the hospital. Then on Sunday night, he would come home and I would go back to the hospital. This allowed me to see my son on the weekends and to grab supplies and do laundry.
This also reminded me that this beautiful baby girl was my husband’s child as well. Somehow I forgot this basic information. He didn’t get to hold her for almost a week after she was born. I realized by being the main person always at the hospital, that I was robbing my husband of having his own bonding time with her. Plus this allowed him to ask questions and be part of her hands on care. He was actually much better at some things like a colostomy bag change than I was!
Everyone always mentioned how strong I was and how awesome I was handling everything. Little did they know that I was just on auto-pilot. I was just trying to survive. I stayed in this mode even after my daughter came home from the NICU. Within a month of coming home, my daughter started having dilation procedures in the same hospital. These happened almost every week for over a year. So even though we weren’t living in the hospital all day anymore, I was still visiting it every week. Every week, I had to hand my child over to a surgeon and pray that he would hand her back to me.
I was holding it together so well, and I had convinced myself that my sudden mood swings, anger, and late night terrors were just normal things that any mom of a special needs child has. That this was just Momming on a bigger and harder level.
The moment that I knew.
Then in May of 2020, our children’s hospital started requiring everyone to wear masks because of COVID. They handed out the yellow paper masks, and within 30 seconds of wearing it, I swear someone removed all the air in the room. I was instantly sweating and overheating, I could hear my heartbeat deafeningly loud in my ears, and all I could think about doing was puking. Thankfully I was able to go to the bathroom and take off my mask and take deep breaths. I though this was such a weird reaction to this simple yellow mask and then the memories came back.
They were memories of the month of November in the critical care side of the NICU. My daughter was in a medically induced coma/ medically paralyzed. She went through 5 surgeries in 11 days and she was basically a body in a bed. She didn’t move or make noise. All you heard was machines beeping and the sound of the ventilator making sure she breathed. This was my darkest time in the NICU. This was my nightmare.
Every night, the nurses changed out all her lines, and because everything had to stay sterile, we wore those simple yellow masks. I cried until those masks were soaked. Putting that mask on, was such a severe and violent reaction to my body and mind, that I knew then and there that something was wrong.
My pure stubbornness and determination had gotten me through the worst months of my life, but I wasn’t done yet. I now knew that I had Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. This was also why my blood pressure continued to stay high a year after giving birth. It was my body’s reaction to the stress. I was on medication and it seemed to help, but it didn’t fix my brain.
Now what? How do you treat PTSD?
So what if COVID never happened? Would I have had a different trigger? I figured out pretty quickly that as long as I wore a handmade larger mask that tied in the back, that it didn’t trigger me. So I was cured right? No unfortunately, avoiding your triggers doesn’t make your PTSD magically disappear.
There are many ways to treat PTSD and not every way is perfect for every person.
Some Treatment Options:
- Anti Anxiety or Anti Depression Medications
- Joining Support Groups
- Speaking with a psychiatrist or therapist
The biggest thing is finding a treatment that feels right for you and to stick to it.
I personally had a great reaction to joining support groups and even if I didn’t contribute, just listening to other’s stories helped me. It made me feel less alone and it was easy to do from my own home. I joined NICU groups, Colostomy Groups, Feeding Tube Groups, and special needs groups. Being part of a community and helping others and leaning on others really made a difference for me.
I also talked to a therapist. She helped me to recognize my triggers and to put plans in place to combat them or make them less severe. She encouraged me to put my hands to work. I have always been an avid sewer and quilt maker, so I started sewing again. This type of therapy really let me turn my brain off and just enjoy the process.
I also let myself let go of the guilt. It was not my fault that my daughter had a birth defect. I gave myself permission to heal from my self imposed hurt and the trauma that I went through.
There are times that are tough and I still get triggered, but it is manageable now. I also have learned to give myself a break, and just stop what I am doing and relax/ take the night off. Sometimes it still feels like survival mode, but it is no longer on auto-pilot. I have learned to be intentional.
Some other lessons, I have learned is to speak up. I now tell my husband when I have had too much and when I just need to take a nap and relax. It is ok to take a break and remove yourself from a stressful situation.
Am I 100% cured from my PTSD, no…..but I feel like I am 99% prepared for if and when something triggers me.
How to get help for PTSD?
The easiest way to get help is to talk to your doctor or contact your medical insurance company. They can refer you to treatment and get the ball rolling for you.
If you don’t have insurance, ask your pastor or spiritual leader. They usually have lots of resources for mental health.
If you don’t have a church or place of worship, call a hotline. Most are 24 hours and a lot are free.
List of Free HOTLINES:
- Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) National Helpline: 1-800-662-HELP (4357)
- Boys Town National Hotline: 1-800-448-3000
- Crisis Text Line: Text CONNECT to 741741
- National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255
It is ok to ask for help. It is ok to demand answers and get treatment. Please speak up and let someone know what is going on. I am a great example, of no one knowing that anything was wrong because I appeared to have it all together. It is not a weakness to get help. It is actually a sign of sheer willpower and strength, because you were determined to beat this.
